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If I Die Tonight, Bury Me in Song

by KD Surreal

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1.
Do I dare raise from this bed And do I bother breaking from This sullen gravity that fills my head? And do I dare force out this song That pools so languid on my tongue Without a wind, without the slightest sound? Why bother doing anything? The Big One's gonna come one day And hurl my rattled soul into the sea But even now I feel the pull To see my friends, to see the teeming life To breath the air and drink the light But no, I ghost myself Lying down and looking up The ceiling's full of little marks I stare so long, they burn like stars in my eyes And if I focus hard enough Perhaps their gravity will lift me up Out of bed and back to life But I'm scared of life and I'm scared of death I'm scared to breathe a fucking breath My choices made to me returned When the Big One churns up all it can churn And throws my soul into the night And eats the air and drinks the light
2.
Some other morning Enters the room Looks at the things You didn't do Sizes you up The light pours in And fills a cup you meant to drink from By a chair you wanted to think on By the book you'll never read Written in dust that will stay unstirred Ancient dust that will stay unstirred In the morning
3.
Oh awful fire That burns in my eyes a vision bright and long and fills up the night While I only wish to get by Oh awful fire That singes my hands as I try to snuff you out of my life Why even try? How long until it dies? Oh lunar mind Playing films of how things could be, if only I tried Could you just let me sleep? Oh lunar child That skips comets across atmospheres like stones across a speckle of ponds Could you sink one for me? How long until it dies? Oh wild hunger Take you wounds away from the pack, head somewhere foreign to die Just don't do it in front of me
4.
Well my fears didn't come true But strange, in a way they did As I hid away in bleak anticipation And the world keeps on ending Seismic shifts that seem preordained Despite my hesitation So my flowers did not bloom And my hopes did not bear fruit And now it's too late to know you The way I wanted to know you Well no trumpets will play at our funerals No grave-robbers will ever find The fossils of our strangled desires So swing low, sweet codeine And let me watch this with cool detachment: The coastline's choked up with smoke and fire They say there's water at the bottom of the ocean But here I'm drowning on dry land And now it's too late to know you The way I wanted to know you How do you grieve something you don't know? I'll never see the arctic snow The last time I saw you You were absent and gaunt I didn't know how to speak to you The last time I saw you You forgot how to speak I didn't know how to make sense of you
5.
Juan de Fuca 05:42
Plates are shifting It feels like something's changed And I'm out looking for the epicentre This fog like shattered moon in the shifting night Juan de Fuca Holding up the world Can I make something everlasting Before you shrug me off your shoulders and into the night? Don't know if you're coming out tonight Guess I'll find out soon And one of us will survive the other But for now, let's enjoy this moon And every day, you are arriving, just the same If I die tonight, bury me in song A fossil of music That's twenty decades long
6.
"Oh wheel, how do you move With such decisive verve? Show me how I might too Roll on without a swerve" "Well, I'm just a fucking wheel," It flatly replied, "I don't put much thought in it, I just go and I arrive" Hearing this, I felt deflated It feels silly to admit Looking to feel validated Beyond living for the hell of it Paralyzed again Where do I go now? You could lay it all out for me, step by step And still -- Hearing this, the wheel told me to stop "Who cares for validation? Most people are like existential cops Quick to judge your situation "As for momentum, or direction It's a blessing and a curse It won't make you feel better In fact, knowing you, it'll make you feel worse "But don't take it from me I'm just a wheel I only seem well-rounded, because I'm full of air. Just go where you feel."
7.
Morning Coda 05:32
Are you awake? I'm still awake Half-light through the window Day's about to break Some other morning Entering the room And I can't believe What I'm going to do Are you awake? I'm still awake Half-light through the window Can I carry its weight? And if I could sleep I know I'd dream of talking to you And you'd scoff and scorn At what I'm going to do But this body is mine

about

Dedicated to the awful fire.

All songs except for #2 written and recorded from April to August 2021.

Songs performed and recorded by KD, at home or with the car out at nowhere.

Recorded on Zoom H4N Pro recorder with Shure SM57 mic and H4N's built-in mic. Collated and fussed over on Reaper.

Song #2 recorded by phone, May 2020.

Album image and words by kd surreal.

On the territories of the Stó:lō people, the Semá:th and Mathxwí First Nation.

Gratitude to Sukhi Brar-Cherrille. Thank you for understanding. Love always.

August 29, 2021

credits

released August 30, 2021

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KD Surreal Abbotsford, British Columbia

Recording project for a cloud of anxious nerves on the traditional territory of the Stó:lō people, the Semá:th and Mathxwí First Nation.

Comes out in the summer.

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